weight loss dysfunction

These Hips Don’t Lie

I’ve been in hiding from you. I’ve been hiding from me. Yep, and the truth. It’s been a lame (and futile) attempt to hide from the truth. This snarfing (and drinking, oh I will miss you Pom momtinis) with reckless abandon for the last month under cover of the “holidays” has been asinine, or maybe I should say ASS-and-nine. There’s really no hiding from the truth, is there? So here you go. I said my hips don’t lie and well, dammit if they’re not a full inch bigger.

And I gained ten pounds.


I said it.

Back to the grind.

33 pounds to go.

Yeah. These hips don’t lie. Damn their honesty. (shakes head, looks at ass in mirror… limps away)

Credits roll: A special thanks to Ruby Red Vodka, cheesecake, Krispy Kreme, gluten free baking (I got skills) and the absence of Will Power. You’re a deserting sh*t Will.


Thanksgiving: I’m The Turkey

Gobble. Gobble. Gobble.

So, yes, my one day of eating freely, turned into 3 days of gobbling, AND 3 freaking pounds. The real truth is that I didn’t feel good after doing it. So why, why, why, why did I do it? I’m not stupid. Really, you may beg to differ by now, but I’m really not. I think that I just got tired. I was tired of being vigilant. I got tired of putting forth extra effort to find good food. I got tired of being good-ish and losing so slowly. I was all set to phase off my Ideal Protein regime before Christmas and then resume in the new year. You might have noticed, I got tired of writing. Well, maybe not tired of writing, but lazy on the blog front. I’m sorry. I missed it so. My fingers are flying and my brain is whizzing and my heart feels happy with every word I type.

I’m three pounds up, but I’m back on the horse. I’ve got a renewed vigor and desire to go ahead and tap that bell at the goal line. (What analogy is that? It makes no sense, but I like it. It is staying) To add insult to injury (in a literal sense), I’ve gotten a new Physical Therapy person at a new clinic. My surgeon’s office was great, but their PT guy was so busy that I couldn’t get in and not only was I slacking on the food front, I was slacking on my rehab, which frankly, is flat out astonishing. Unforgivable. I so want to play tennis again and be able to do all my activities without pain and swelling, that I’m kind of flabbergasted that I let life and busy-ness get in my way. I took a break from being good. I was bad.

kneeiceMonday though, thank God for Monday, I got back on the food wagon. Today, I hit the PT. Holy wow. I love my new gal. She really pushed me. In fact, she said, “Your knee’s gonna be mad, I’m not gonna lie.” I didn’t care. I went from not wanting to change clothes, go out in the cold in shorts, drive to the PT place and get going, to holy crap my legs are wimpy and weak and I’m so glad I got my ass out here to work out. It felt so good! It was a bit disheartening to realize that my good leg is actually my weak leg. What the…???  It was frustrating to have your muscles not respond like they’re supposed to. She promised to make me strong again and re-emphasized that microfracture surgery is kind of a big deal. She reminded me that most athletes don’t get back to their sport for 6 months after that kind of surgery. She was encouraging and kind. She brought me back from the brink of knee hell. Yes, it’s swollen and a wee bit sore, but it hurts so good. Hand me the ice pack, a protein bar and my laptop. I’m back! Dammit, I’m back, with a tiny limp, a few extra pounds and a head of steam. Watch out.

Let’s go!

Day 111: Just Hit The Panic Button

Yep, I Pressed It
Yep, I Pressed It

So, I’ve been at this Ideal Protein thing for 111 days! Yes, that’s great and all, but according to my scale, (gulp) I’ve GAINED a pound. WHAT? And to be fair, it also says my fat percentage has dropped, lean mass increased. I build muscle very easily and I’ve started using my leg more. I’m walking without the crutch around the house, and doing flexing exercises, leg lifts etc. For goodness sake, my left glute was super sore the other day after doing straight leg lifts while laying on the stomach, so using your hammies and glutes… Do you have any idea how long it’s been since I’ve been sore? It hurt so good!

I haven’t been precise this week either, but I’ve stayed away from most carbs (except for that homemade tamale from the Farmer’s Market… woops!… where’s the tiny type when you need it?) I think I’ll go have a sit in the sauna. Hope it won’t blow up my knee. It was definitely premature to hit the big red button but I was alarmed this morning. It’s been 111 days of seeing my number go steadily downward… I was just , well, shocked! We’ll see what I can do by Wednesday!

I realize that I said slow is fine, not two days ago, but backward is not!

Ever have these panic moments?

I Am A Creeper

See the creeper?
See the creeper? In honor of National Dog Day Yesterday, my girls are the stars. Say hello to Shiner Blonde (named after the delicious Texas beer) and Lizzy Lou (little creeper).

Okay, you know a real creeper probably wouldn’t say they are a creeper… but I’m not a real creeper (I hope) in the Urban Dictionary sense of the word. Well, there are a bunch of definitions there. I’m hoping I’m not one of those, though, if I am, I hope I’m one of the friggin’ hilarious ones. Anyway, what I mean is that in diet terms, I think I’m a creeper. I’m creeping ever freaking slowly toward my goal. I mean S•L•O•W•L•Y. Holy magical mushrooms! MotherFather, Sonofabiscuit! Seriously?

This weeks Creeps:

-1.6 lbs (27.6 lbs total, which wouldn’t be so bad if I hadn’t been rounding when people ask how much I’ve lost.) I’ve been saying “around 27” for a couple of weeks now. Sheesh.

-.5 chestious maximus

-.5 quad

Everything else was pretty much the same. 

Day 72: Chimp Chump

My Chimp's A Chump
My Chimp’s A Chump

My 50 pound monkey, is now a chimp, but I can’t help feeling like a chump. I wanted to feel like a champ. I do not. I laugh sometimes when I think about how absolutely awful the first week or two (or three) of this journey was. Now, 72 days later, I’m still at it. We’ve had a VERY busy summer with lots of little trips sprinkled about so that I  had a hard time really perfecting the art of this Ideal Protein Diet. I have, however, pretty much perfected the “I don’t give a flying flock what you’re eating, I’m eating freaking lettuce (again) and I’m not gonna think about it (or I’ll puke!)” And even though I’ve been a Saint on vacation, I’m okay with losing point freaking 4 of a pound. Really. I’m okay.

I had planned, way back in my naivete, at the birth of this journey, that by the end of August, we’d celebrate the loss of an anthropoid for my birthday and I would have the option of eating the cupcake delivered to my bed. I would be monkeyless. Instead, as fate has painted it, I will celebrate my birthday with a half a monkey, a chimp, if you will, like a chump… a chump on drugs and crutches. Yep, drugs I tell you. My knee gets fixed two days before I have to remember a larger number (doesn’t matter, I can never remember my age anyway, it’s just a freaking number) and I’m not looking forward to it. And the pain killers, I cannot scream this loud enough, I HATE them. They wig me out, they make me feel absolutely shite, but I’m told I will need them at least the first couple of days. Let’s not even get started on the crutches. Just, no. Hmpht.

This journey has taken me through the jungle, slogging through the anaconda filled bog, and absolutely up hill all the way. It’s been hard. I’m not gonna lie, I’ve been disappointed probably more times than I’ve been genuinely thrilled. My progress is sickeningly slow, by Ideal Protein Standards, and MUCH slower than my expectations. It’s frustrating to be doing what I’m supposed to and creeping along. I wanted to be wowed weekly by my progress.

I’m still zig-zagging in the right direction, though. I won’t quit, I’m pretty damned sure about that.

While in Colorado, I lost point 4 of a pound. I gained about a a pound of muscle, lost 3/4 inches in my waist, and 3/4 inch in my quad (that’s just atrophy though from not being able to do anything.) I hate being slow. I hate feeling like a chump. However, I must admit a chimp is much cuter than a big assed gorilla. Yes. I’ll take that.

Day 52: No Traveling, No Excuses, No Wimpy Losses

No travel, No excuses
No travel, No excuses

For the last few weeks, my suitcase has been either half packed in my bedroom, half un-packed in a hotel room or completely full and in the belly of an airplane. NOT my normal life, unfortunately, or fortunately depending on the trip of course. But all this traveling has been hard on this diet, even though I’ve kept at it through Colorado (sigh) and Chicago. I chose Ideal Protein because the results tend to be swift and impressive. Mine, averaged over time are just, meh.

In 52 days I’ve lost 21.4 pounds. So at about 7 weeks, that means I’ve averaged 3 pounds per week. Honestly, I was expecting more, considering the first week I lost 10. Yes, I realize it was fluids etc… but by this point, I expected to be closer to my goal. As it stands, I’m still looking at a monkey of 39.9 pounds. Hell yes, it’s better than that 50, turned 60 pound monkey I started with in June.

Here’s the plan. We’ll be here for the next two weeks, and I’m challenging myself to show at least a 3-4 pound loss per week. There are no excuses about “holding water” from traveling, or not getting all my food or vitamins eaten. It’s back ON.

The things I must do:

Eat ALL my food for the day

Take ALL my vitamins

Write it all down



Day 44: .6, and Nothing More

Official Numbers Today... Not Happy. Don't Trust Myself to Type, So this is it.
Official Numbers Today… Not Happy. Don’t Trust Myself to Type, So this is it.


Day 37: 2 Pounds, Peace Baby

Losing weight 2 pounds
Peace, baby, 2 pounds down! Total of about 19!

I lost 2 more pounds this week! Yay… sort of. I fell off the eating wagon, but not in the traditional, I splurged and ate a Butterfinger… (dear sweet Lord that sounds so good right now) sense. I did that damned, NOT eating thing again. I didn’t write everything down and probably didn’t drink a lot of water. FARTKNOCKERS! Didn’t I just blog about that? For two days in a row, I have not gotten in all my protein, veggies, or even my packets of Ideal Protein food. What? It’s really because I’m a lazy ass, and sometimes eating is too much trouble. WTH? Okay, lay a Butterfinger down at the bottom of a chasm and say I can have it if I can get it before it melts… oh hell no, that’s not too much trouble, I’d race outta here like a bullet!

So, when I grabbed my photo for this post, I noticed that when you (if you’re American, anyway) show the number 2 with your fingers, you’re also giving the peace sign.

“Shut Up Self!” I yell in my head. “You lost 2 pounds, while not doing exactly as you were supposed to. Zip it, and enjoy the loss!”

Peace, baby!



Day 18: Eat Your Dang Food, Dummy!

QuestionI’m trying to lose weight here. “You need to eat less, exercise more, drink a ton of water, eat a sh*tload of veggies…” blah blah blah. That’s exactly what I’m doing. I lost a pound this week. A single-solitary freaking little pound. Yesterday, yes, I said that a “measly” five pounds was more than you think, but I didn’t sign up for this to lose a mother f*ckin’ pound a week. It feels like one pound is a whole hell of a lot LESS than I thought.

Yes, I’m angry.

The facts: 1/2″ off my hips

1/2-3/4″ off my quad

Gained two pounds of muscle back

Lost some visceral fat

So, we had a chat about my week and what I really ate. My head drops, I study my shoes, and mumble, “I managed a cup of veggies a day, I think.”

“Well,” ever the cheerleader (in a good way) says, “that’s something! Did you write down your food this week?”

“Uh, ….. uh….. no.” Then, in a rush, it all tumbles out like confessions to a priest, “And, I probably only got required 3 IP foods in on a couple of days. The rest of the days, I only had two. I mostly didn’t eat my protein either. Maybe 4-6 ounces a day on average. And, before you ask, no, I probably didn’t drink enough water.”

So, same song with me, every damn time I start to diet. If the food is just “meh” and I can go without, I tend to do so. Eating is a chore, not a reward all the sudden. Whoa! Here come all the psychology profs now. There’s your problem!

This week, I’m eating ALL my food to keep my metabolism firing on all cylinders. I’ll drink my damned water. I will freaking write it down.

It seems counter intuitive. Eat too much – gain weight, eat less – lose weight, eat too little – stall out your weight loss. Can’t win for losing around here sometimes.


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