I dragged myself out of the house around 8pm to go to the gym. I didn’t want to go. I didn’t. The hubs was going and I’d been complaining all day because I hadn’t gotten my arm workout in before my sales meeting. Work, I swear, gets in the way… daily! Sticking to that one for the minute. So, I’m feeling pretty good that I’m actually in the car on the way to the gym. I’m thinking that I’m living in the now. (I even wrote about my journey back to now.) It’s a good thing. Really. I’m training myself and I know that it’s actually helping me stay on this road. This rocky, winding, wonderful dirt road. The back road. With potholes, and scenic views aplenty. (squirrel)

So, I’m feeling good. I’m doing all I can right here in this moment to be what I want to be. Healthy, athletic, and brilliant. Well, you know, it can’t hurt to throw it out there into the universe. We stride into the gym and head to the free weights. Man, I feel bad ass back there with the barbells and dumb bells (all kinds of them.) I started with chest presses with the 45 pound bar. (12 reps) Popped up added 2.5 pounds to each side and did 10. Jumped up, took off the 2.5s and added 5 pounds to each end and pumped out 8. (woohoo up to 55 pounds). Then, I proudly added the 2.5s and squeaked out 6 reps of 60 pounds. There were no other women benching 60 pounds. (I’m grinning as type because it doesn’t sound like much. I want to bench 100, but right now, I’ve got 60. That’s something.) Okay, to be fair there were no other women benching anything. There was a cute, skinny girl with a barbell across her midsection doing weird thrusts with her pelvis, but aside from that show, I was it. I finished out another 12 with just the 45 pound bar and went to the dumb bells to do flys before I moved to shoulders. It was then, as I was leaning in to grab those  *_+@# dumb bells that I first noticed myself. Damn those hugemongous gym mirrors. Damn those ginormous fluorescent lights. Oh. Damn.

My elation and confidence, and the euphoric “I got my ass up and came to the gym when I really wanted to stay home and watch the Olympics” moment evaporated. Poof. Gone. Then, I was just suddenly sad and ashamed,  feeling like I was wearing a clown suit complete with the big red nose, fluffy stuffing and floppy shoes. Hubs looked at me. I guess it was clear what had just happened. Emotion, I wear outward. “Hey,” he said, “we are here, and it takes time. You’ve already noticed a difference on the tennis court.” Yes, of course he was right. Damn, I love that man.

I took a moment and refocused my thinking a bit. We’ve been doing the Body For Life protocol for 2 weeks now. Just two weeks. I’ve lost weight, the ol’ body fat percentage has gone down, and I know I’ve gained muscle. It feels good to work out. It feels good to pick up heavy things until you almost can’t do it again. It feels great to get in the car and have to flop your hands up onto the steering wheel. It feels good to wake up sore and know your muscles are replacing the squishy stuff. It does! Those things are good things. I thought, “I’m doing everything I can right now. Now. That’s all I can do. Reality is only right now in this moment.” Suddenly the gym music filled my head and I started singing along. Out loud. Yup.