So… I’ve been back on Ideal Protein for a few weeks. I’ve lost 10 pounds, but it’s been hard won. Part of the deal with IP is that you’re not supposed to really exercise. You’re in ketosis and you have no reserves. I’ve been playing tennis and trying to mountain bike. It’s not working. It’s soooo not working! Yes, I’m losing weight but it’s, in fact, making me miserable. My happy self has gone on strike and left me here with grumpy boots and weepy Wanda. Remember my “It Sucks to Suck” post? Well, it does.
I didn’t really quite understand that whole wanting to cry thing that I wrote about. I couldn’t comprehend how I just wanted to get off my bike, lay down and go to sleep, right there, in the dirt. Last weekend at my tennis tourney, I played so crappily, and unhappily, that it just made me, well, distraught. In fact, the words, “I don’t think I want to play tennis anymore” passed my lips, out loud to my husband who said, “Whoa, wait a minute.” He knows that I love, love, love the game even with one good knee. He knows. So after my second match on Saturday, I knew I had to do something drastic. I was dog tired, miserable, aching, sore, sad, pissed and feeling weepy among a host of other frenetically changing emotions. There was a delay before my next match, so someone mentioned that I had time to grab a bite. Here’s what went off in my brain, “I can’t eat. I’m on a diet. (glance at nike watch) I’ve already burned 1200 calories today and I’ve had 300 calories in. Wait. What? What the hell am I doing? Absolutely WTF? Screw it. I’m going to Torchy’s.”
I jumped in my car, drove to Torchy’s grabbed a bottle of Topo Chico and ordered a Trailer Park made Trashy on corn and went to heaven in my car. They really are “Damn good!” I went back to the tourney a whole different person. I kid you not. For real. Was it blood sugar? Was I experiencing the thing that toddler’s have when they’re hungry or tired? I played a bajillion times better in the last match too. The opponents got one game. ONE GAME off us. They were our weakest opponents, but they were still 4.5 level players. I felt like myself again. Then, I went back on the IP wagon.
Monday night rolled around, and I had my lesson with my tennis pro-pal, T. She immediately asked me whether I was stressed out this week. “Huh? No, I’m doing fine,” I replied in my really quiet, tired, not me at all voice. She looked at me with question in her face. Hmmm, I thought. What’s up with me? We started hitting and immediately my elbow began shooting pain with every strike. It was still sore from the 3 matches over the weekend. What? I couldn’t hit the side of a barn either. For real. I’ve had tennis elbow before and I’ve just gritted through it. Tonight though, I wanted to launch my racket into the ozone. I don’t throw rackets. I do sometimes yell, “Mother Father,” or “Shittakes” really loud though. It wasn’t fun. I totally sucked and my body would NOT do what I was telling it to. About halfway through, on the verge of tears (that weepy thing again), I walked off the court. “I can’t do this,” I said. “My elbow is killing me.” I watched a bit of my lesson go by without me, then packed my things and left. Dejected. Down. Hurting.
I was miserable. I had an 8 o’clock sing club event with my vocal coach and a piano player and other students. We get together and perform for each other in someone’s house. It’s usually so fun. I enjoy the people so much. I love hearing their voices and performances every month. I’m actually starting to enjoy my own. Guess who didn’t want to go? Guess who was so low that the thought of showing up, putting on a happy face and trying to sing from the heart was just too much to bother with? This girl. Again, hubs gave me the tilted head, worried look. “You need to go. You love that. It will make you feel better.”
Okay, okay, fine. I’ll go. Grabbed my music, and left. I usually show up at the end of the kids’ part, Ruby Red Vodka and Topo Chico in hand and full of joy. Nope, I just slipped in and sat down, empty handed and empty hearted. Sad, huh? Listening to those kids though. I felt my spirit crack. A light started in. The piano player looked up, smiled and said, “Hey, hit me up with the usual.” Uh, well, I was so grumpy I didn’t bring my usual bottle of Ruby red to share. Hmph… They were running late, and I eventually drove a few blocks, bought a wee bottle, some ice and some soda water. I’m not a big drinker, though you probably hear me talk like I am, and I was not in the mood. I made myself a weak one, and handed one to the piano man. The kids finished. They are amazing. No fear. I was up.
Sigh. Okay. I didn’t even have energy to be nervous. I’m always nervous. My first two turns were just meh. It was new music. We had to stop a few times to get the piano and my part worked out. Then, the piano guy had written a chart for me that I had requested a few weeks ago for a song we couldn’t find sheet music for. I hadn’t planned on singing it, but he insisted he wanted to check to be sure the chart was correct. So, we did This Mountain
, by Kasey Chambers. As I sang, the two vocal coaches and the piano man began to harmonize on the chorus.
Shine down on this mountain
Rain down on my face
Call out to the river
To wash me out
To wash me out of this place
And, all of the sudden, everything went away. It was beautiful. It was sweet. It was healing, cleansing and lovely. Just like that, I was back. Peace. Happiness, and dare I say, joy? The shift was palpable. Then, my coach said she wanted us to end with Feels Like Home which is absolutely my favorite song. The harmonies are beautiful and we all just connect to the music and each other. We did it, and piano man and coach were crying. See, music does that. It heals, it releases it clarifies. It brings people together and creates good vibrations in this world.
I went home, back on track. While talking with my hubs, I realized that this diet is bad for me. I’m too active to try to make it work. I’m too low. It wasn’t built for being active. I was not built to be unhappy. It was designed as a quick, efficient way to lose weight. Doctors recommend it, but I can’t do it right now. I’ve got a mountain bike race to train for… oh, and one this weekend by the way. A client mentioned Weight Watchers to me yesterday. I realized that was my answer. It had just shown up. They take into account activity and feed you accordingly. So, now, I feel good. I feel happy. I feel hopeful. The best news is that tacos can now come back into my life. I’m signed up and ready. Find me there as 50PoundMonkey!
The Trashy Trailer Park taco started it all. The music saved me. Divinity incarnate. I’m sure.
Disclosure: the link to the songs are affiliate links. If you buy, Amazon might send me a few pennies. I do recommend those songs. Sing them at the top of your lungs. They work wonders!