My Chimp's A Chump
My Chimp’s A Chump

My 50 pound monkey, is now a chimp, but I can’t help feeling like a chump. I wanted to feel like a champ. I do not. I laugh sometimes when I think about how absolutely awful the first week or two (or three) of this journey was. Now, 72 days later, I’m still at it. We’ve had a VERY busy summer with lots of little trips sprinkled about so that I  had a hard time really perfecting the art of this Ideal Protein Diet. I have, however, pretty much perfected the “I don’t give a flying flock what you’re eating, I’m eating freaking lettuce (again) and I’m not gonna think about it (or I’ll puke!)” And even though I’ve been a Saint on vacation, I’m okay with losing point freaking 4 of a pound. Really. I’m okay.

I had planned, way back in my naivete, at the birth of this journey, that by the end of August, we’d celebrate the loss of an anthropoid for my birthday and I would have the option of eating the cupcake delivered to my bed. I would be monkeyless. Instead, as fate has painted it, I will celebrate my birthday with a half a monkey, a chimp, if you will, like a chump… a chump on drugs and crutches. Yep, drugs I tell you. My knee gets fixed two days before I have to remember a larger number (doesn’t matter, I can never remember my age anyway, it’s just a freaking number) and I’m not looking forward to it. And the pain killers, I cannot scream this loud enough, I HATE them. They wig me out, they make me feel absolutely shite, but I’m told I will need them at least the first couple of days. Let’s not even get started on the crutches. Just, no. Hmpht.

This journey has taken me through the jungle, slogging through the anaconda filled bog, and absolutely up hill all the way. It’s been hard. I’m not gonna lie, I’ve been disappointed probably more times than I’ve been genuinely thrilled. My progress is sickeningly slow, by Ideal Protein Standards, and MUCH slower than my expectations. It’s frustrating to be doing what I’m supposed to and creeping along. I wanted to be wowed weekly by my progress.

I’m still zig-zagging in the right direction, though. I won’t quit, I’m pretty damned sure about that.

While in Colorado, I lost point 4 of a pound. I gained about a a pound of muscle, lost 3/4 inches in my waist, and 3/4 inch in my quad (that’s just atrophy though from not being able to do anything.) I hate being slow. I hate feeling like a chump. However, I must admit a chimp is much cuter than a big assed gorilla. Yes. I’ll take that.