Smell that? I think it’s coming out of my left ear. It’s called stinkin’ thinkin’ and it’s leaking out of my brain. Ever have those thoughts that you know you wouldn’t think about anyone but yourself? Thoughts you know are hyper critical, completely irrational and downright mean, but you indulge the stink anyway? Here are some I experience:
- If I lose 20 pounds, I’ll still be at a ridiculous number on the scale; a number at which I should have never been in the first place. (I want to punch something).
- I am gross! (I want to cry).
- It will probably take me 30 pounds (and forever) before I begin to look a bit different. (I want to break things).
- How could he possibly love all this? (I want to curl up in the bottom of the closet and hide).
- I bet my kids are embarrassed. (I am ashamed).
- Once again, fattest woman on the courts. (I want to get back in my car and leave).
- I’ve eaten less than anyone at this table, yet I weight twice what she does. (I want to scream).
- I can’t find anything to wear, I hate looking gross. (I want to throw something through the big glass window and watch it crack and crash to the floor).
I know I’m not alone in the self abuse, and I really don’t like this part of me that materializes out of my frustration and desperation. Why do we let ourselves talk to us like this? If I overheard someone saying these things out loud, or to someone else, you bet I’d jump in and defend them. I hate mean people, yet here I am.
Today it stops! Who’s with me?
Footnote: I do not hate myself. I do know that I’m smart, and fun and talented. Don’t worry about that. It’s simply the ugly talk, that I know is not uncommon, that I want to change. So there ya go.
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